A Diary Entry: Grief of Seasons

some thoughts on loss, change and a book update

Hello friends!

I aim to write once a week here, since that is about all I have time for right now, I appreciate you all so much for reading and supporting me!

Today’s post is on the topic of grief which I feel in this writing I only scrape the very top surface of as it is such a vast thing, but if this is in anyway triggering and does not serve you, feel free to skip it! Scroll to the end for a little book update!

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“No matter how your heart is grieving if you keep on believing the dreams that you wish will come true” 

I watched a classic Disney movie with my daughter for the first time. Those childhood favorites always hit differently as a parent, things you didn’t relate to as a kid stand out. The beautiful song A Dream Is a Wish Your Heart Makes had me tearing up, a lot of feelings rising at the sentiment.

I think it got my attention when it said “no matter how your heart is grieving.” I could think of several ways my heart has been grieving. 

I think the topic of grief has come up a lot in my personal life in recent years and will continue to be an ever present part in it. 

I speak with many of my mom friends about all aspects of motherhood but a topic that comes up a lot is grief. Especially about the passing of time and seasons with your kid. It is sort of a particular constant state of grieving you have to become comfortable with. The end of a chapter and celebrating a new one, on repeat every day, month, and year. This is top of mind for me this week as I embrace the chapter of my daughter turning two years old. I am treating it with a hint of ritualism to help myself process. The tiny baby items and clothing slowly go into giveaway bags— picture me sitting on the floor holding up tiny socks and crying silent tears, a lot of that is happening right now. Writing down memories in her baby book, so I don’t forget all the cute things and milestones she did as a one-year-old. Scrolling through pictures on my phone of her squishy cheeks and limp body, first steps, and videos of her coo-ing or babbling brings me to tears of nostalgia. That bittersweet emotion. 

There’s the grief of losing older family members, which has been hard on me as I lost my grandma just a year ago, she was a very present person in my life. I tend to ignore that sort of loss in my day-to-day because life does not slow down enough or I allow it to speed by so I don’t have to pause on it, only to be hit with waves of it again when I’m not expecting to. The loss of life is not something we like to sit with but our hearts feel it all the same.

Joyful Sarcasm

wrote a very real post on that here, these words, in particular, hit me right in the chest. 

Life is a tapestry of experiences, woven with threads of joy and sorrow, faith and doubt.

I’ve had to grieve a lot of friendships in the few years since I became a mother especially (see me ranting about that in my post about female friendships.) I touch on it a bit but I haven’t really been able to put into words that kind of loss, it is of cosmic proportions in our lives, so even in my journal the words to process don’t come. My friend

andrew jelinek

puts that so beautifully in their gorgeous post here, I couldn’t say it better. I love this quote though in particular and feel it so much. 

but the strength of our friendship was the product of the ever-intensifying gravitational forces with which we obliterated ourselves and each other…

I think the hard truth is that we have to grieve past versions of ourselves in order to grow. I am obsessed with Shelby’s page. You need to read her writing, I have personally never related more to another human’s thought process. Her post in particular on past selves absolutely nailed me.

I can’t pick one part to quote but THIS section sheesh. Again, could not have said it better myself.

Reading old journal entries, scrolling through my own Instagram feed, and sorting through endless scratch pads has forced me to see the places where I keep myself stuck, and the pains I still cling to. Some of the hardest pills I’ve had to swallow on this journey have been shoved down the throat by my own hand. But this process has also been enlightening; endearing me to my past selves, opening up a space of empathy that used to be plastered over. It has allowed me to trace some of my best ideas back to their root; sometimes realizing an old version of myself somehow knew exactly what my current self needed to hear, a kind of unaware, intuitive wisdom. Looking through the loggings of my previous iterations has given me what feels like a cheat code; it allows me to witness the growth in my ability to sit with my emotions and reflect on my relationships to vices I no longer rely on.

We are always in a cycle of grief. Ashley LeMieux a grief expert, among other things, has a podcast on grief geared towards women and it has been helpful for me to learn more about this thing that affects every aspect of humanity. In one of her episodes, she said (paraphrasing) that if we can learn how to be acquainted with grief we will be better for it because life is full of this ebb and flow of grieving in every aspect of life. Just go listen to her podcast it’s all good and relevant to all the aspects of grief..

I would argue the lyrics “will come true” are a bit problematic, and sat weird with me as a jaded adult. I saw those words in the subtitles as I am one of those granny-chic girls who needs to read my movies. My handle on suffering is a bit skewed and I have an issue with pessimism lately, to be honest. I’m a dreamer, by nature I am always imagining endless possible futures for myself and have always been positive to a fault. I’m an imaginative person, I’ve tried manifesting (who hasn’t okay don’t judge me) and I think I take issue with it after really trying it, I’m not sure I believe it works for me (I know, for it to work you have to believe it will work apparently). There have been times when I certainly felt like I manifested a good thing, or really truly believed something would happen just because I focused on it hard enough but I am not sure I’m manipulating the fabric of time. Not enough to claim something WILL happen simply by wishing it to be. Are we getting our hopes up when we say just by wishing something into existence it will be? I don’t know, the realist in me speaks up and says that hasn’t worked for us before. The dreamer that clings to hope believes hoping and praying will bring those things to pass after all, maybe just not on the timeline I would hope for. I don’t know though, I am sure someone here is a guru and will tell me I am just doing it wrong, so I will move on I can admit it’s not for me. 

I think I just grieve the future I thought I might have happened by now to be my current reality and the dreams that don’t work out, because of this belief I carried that they WILL happen. When they don’t it feels like a loss and it’s hard to let those expectations go. 

(Again, loved this podcast episode about grieving dreams, so helpful and hope is the key!)

Lastly, as we all move forward into a new season (in the U.S. anyways. Hi international buds! I see you, love you) with everyone posting cozy autumnal lists of media and fashion and foods to consume, it reminds me that every fall for me brings change. Not even joking here there has been a massive life change for my family every year for years now, where some big change hits us and this year is no exception. It is like something in the air brings this shaking to the leaves and to my situations, where nothing really stays the same. As someone who resists change, I remind myself now gently that change is hard, but it isn’t all bad. Sometimes the things that I was hoping for so strongly may come through the growing pains of big change. To grieve is to feel the change, and to decide to be okay despite it all.

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Book update:

I am writing a new adult novel, women’s fiction I guess it could fall under that label or rom-com overall (with a hint of drama). I am moving along, trying to stay on task after having taken a bit of a step back to hit refresh creatively. I am exactly halfway through writing the book so I have been in the process of re-reading what I have so far and fixing some things a bit so I can tie everything off in the second half of the book. Still wild to think I have written 160 pages of a book so far. My goal is to finish this “discovery draft” (ty

Madeline Mills

haha will never stop crediting you!) so I can land the plane of the story writing. Then I can move on to making it make the most sense that it can, since right now it’s a little loosey-goosey. It also needs more coziness inserted and all the descriptions too! I am balancing a lot, but the book is in my brain, just need to get it out.

That said, here are some of my fall-coded, book-writing mood board images from Pinterest (all images from there!) to get us into the autumn writing mood. I reference my mood board before writing A LOT. I also listen to music and am working on making a playlist to share that has the vibes of my book so stay tuned.