The Year I Took Off Social Media: Pt. 1

my accidental break from insta and the things I have learned along the way

This is the year

Let’s get into it, folks. Here I will be sharing my sometimes obvious and perhaps painfully vulnerable reasons why I have taken a break from social media.

The first reason is that my sister-in-law said she and her friends were taking a break as a ‘New Year, New Me’ goal. This was mid-January and I was already on a brief respite from Instagram specifically. Not on purpose, I was just very busy it would seem and I didn’t have time for my typical morning, afternoon and evening scroll. I noticed I didn’t miss it when I was off. I felt more productive in my pursuit of extracurriculars since my time to do things for fun is in the evening after my daughter goes to bed. So I said, “Sure, I’ll join this January challenge.” A big point of reason, perhaps the greatest one of all I will share right off the top. I have been working on writing a book (yay!) since the beginning of the year and I have to write in the margins of my days currently. I could see it would help me not to have the time waster of a distraction social media was to write instead. I will share more deets about the novel later on probably (what a tease, sorry).

The second reason is that I did not realize at the time that my brain had reached its absolute capacity for all things social media. I had already been in that headspace for months prior. I was feeling bogged down by the typical cruxes of the medium. Things like, you guessed it, the comparison, the judgment you see in the comments section, and downright humanity at its worst were front and center in my mind. Maybe my feed is the problem, I thought as I had been unfollowing accounts that no longer served me. I paired it down to accounts that I thought would be encouraging — like accounts that applied to my life like on potty training and imperfect moms posting real shit, artists that I genuinely enjoy engaging with their music/art/etc, and my actual friends even if they were just acquaintances. This did help for a bit but then we got hit with some life.

The third reason is with any change, there comes a lot of shifting in our lives. Becoming a mom has done that in the biggest way imaginable of course. I see the world differently. What that looks like to me is hard to describe, but I think one facet of that is I have a more critical eye. In that I mean I don’t understand how we got here. How did we collectively manage to ditch the simple act of being present, of slowing down, of looking around us as a society as adults? The pure joy my daughter gets from running in the grass barefoot for example, or the minutes spent just looking at a picture in a book, or looking at the strangers surrounding us in restaurants and really seeing them. It struck me. How long do I wonder? How often do I wander? How long has it been since I sat in contentment? When was the last time I noticed the beauty around me?

The fourth reason is a little hard to share, partly why it has taken me so long to write this. It happened that we went through a very difficult time financially, the perks of starting a career from the bottom. I won’t even get into the economy right now, but it certainly wasn’t doing us any favors either. We were, to put it bluntly, barely scraping by. Worse off than we had ever been and that’s saying something since we have lived off of one income here and there throughout the years. It was brutal, and humbling. We chose it to some degree since I wanted to stay home with my daughter for the first year of her life and my husband decided to change jobs at the same time. I wasn’t comparing myself to folks on social media like most people probably think when you say that. I was comparing the fact that other people had money for groceries and I wasn’t sure if we would. That does something to you mentally and it’s given me a lot of empathy for all demographics in our country. Survival is

something we take for granted every day and I see that now. We are always a brush away from poverty even in a comfortable place, anyone can be hit by it. To be fair, I was comparing myself in all the typical ways though as well. Following the creatives you aspire to be can be difficult. It is easy to let it sink you into inadequacy, instead of letting it inspire you to work harder or implement something new in what you do. It is easy to meditate on the thought that you will never live up to that level of god-like talent and seeing it all the time is annoying, right?

My mental health was shot from the combination of these factors and it just came to a head for me. I didn’t like the numb feeling I had during the day, disconnected from those around me, especially my family. I remember a specific time when I was sitting with my daughter on the floor while she played beside me and I was mindlessly scrolling. She was quietly playing and I could feel her look up at me at some point to show me something, but I would miss that moment. Instead, I looked up to see her look down at my phone in my hand like it was something important to see because my attention was on it. My gut dropped. It’s so easily done and of course, maybe mom-guilt was at play at that moment but it got my attention nonetheless of what I communicate to those around me when my eyes are glued to my phone. I also think the numbness I felt would lead me to raging anxiety at night when I would get ready for bed, I wouldn’t know what I had done or felt all day, I couldn’t remember anything. (I will go into the effects taking an extended break has done for me in another post but I wanted to mention that bit here too.)

There are a whole host of reasons people take breaks from social media, I touched on it a bit but I think something people liken to a brain fog is one of the main reasons. The constant stimulation causes our brains to feel restless or numb, disassociating from our lives. I certainly have experienced that as well.

Whatever the cause, there could be all the signs that you need to take a step back and I don’t know if it’s just me, but it is REALLY hard to do. The dopamine hit is extremely difficult to rewire our brains away from. I have had friends successfully reintegrate social media back into their lives after a break, with no problem with the temptation of going back to their old way of becoming symbiotic with their phones. Maybe (read, definitely) I have a compulsion problem but I always slide back into disassociation station mode and have absolutely no boundaries after like a week. It can be very discouraging. Thus, I decided to do another month following January, then another month, and then made the conscious decision. I will be taking a break for an entire year. I liked how I felt making that decision, empowered somehow. I liked how I felt without it.

That brings us to my Part Two post which will be about some of the effects I saw right away and maybe some science into all of this.

THANK YOU if you are reading this, I hope it helps make you feel less alone. I hope my experience can lead others to try a little “detox” themselves, to experiment, and then maybe document what you find too.

Remember to be kind and stay present.

more days at coffee shops